is the grass always greener?

So this post will be nothing like my previous posts. No pictures... No cool stories... 

This is going to be more of a diary entry to myself. A post that I need to write to clear my mind...

It’s not that I’m unhappy, but rather extremely stressed... no, exhausted... Stress from exhaustion? Today was one of the darker days of my fairy tale. One of those days where you need a good cry or a shoulder to lean on. Today was one of those days where I needed to release everything that I’m feeling through a good outlet but couldn’t. I honestly felt like giving up today. For no good reason, either. I wanted to walk out of work and be back in America... back in my own bed. back with my family. my sister. my brothers. 

People had told me before I came here that this was going to be difficult, but I didn’t realize how difficult it actually is. Not because I can’t do anything. My confidence in my own abilities isn’t wavering. My need for familiarity is growing. 

By no means does this mean I’m throwing in the towel. I just need to vent. To take a moment and feel sorry for myself about how hard of a situation this really is. 

Maybe I just need sleep, but this isn’t what I want to be feeling while I’m living my dream. Or is this really what I wanted? I know what I want now.. the most comforting thing would be to be able to speak English... for ten... no five minutes. And not through this. In person... face-to-face... with someone that’s not Rob. Even he has blended into Japan. 

I’m so tired. I don’t want to sleep on a futon in a non-airconditioned house tonight. I know I sound like a completely spoiled brat in saying that but right now I don’t care. They can’t understand English let alone read it. 

I don’t regret this decision to come here at all but right now it’s just one of those days where I need familiarity. Everything here is so different. 

Every morning that voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I need sleep.

This is all a process of finding myself and who I really am. I need to be patient. Deep breaths. And rest. 

藤巻ご家族へ

ごめんなさい